Community

For the more critical thinkers

I saw this quote a little while ago: Modern luxury is the ability to think clearly, sleep deeply, move slowly, and live quietly in a world designed to prevent all four.

I haven’t been thinking clearly the last few days, the news really stifles that effort and then I made the mistake (of course) of going onto a relative’s comment section trying to debunk some falsehoods only to get completely smashed and there in lies why I also didn’t sleep deeply last night. There’s no reasoning things out with somebody or groups of somebody’s whose brains have been entirely pickled by one sided news. They ask why you’re concerned that a unelected billionaire has access to your Social Security number or the purse strings of massive bill payment systems for things like Medicaid, which your father relies on. They’ll say things like, “well, Politicians have been dipping into this for years and now they’re just exposing it.” Look I’m all for exposing corruptness in any organization or government system, but doing so illegally doesn’t make it look like your intents are well meaning. We should be suspicious and skeptical of very powerful and rich people‘s motives. But I’m not gonna argue with you about it online, that gives them what they want – to see us divided and squabbling over every little thing while they destroy and obfuscate. I do believe that a large part of our population just wants to see the whole Democratic system fall apart. But what goes in place of a democratic system? Have you taken it through to is final vision because it’s what we’re creeping towards, a ruling class of oligarchs who get to make all of the decisions with no consideration for the least of us and believe me when I say we are ALL the least of them. It doesn’t matter your skin color. It doesn’t matter your party affiliation, they do not care about the average American person. If you’re uber rich and white and a man you’re probably fine but the rest of us are pretty screwed and have been sounding the alarms for quite a while. When they say they wanna take America back to when it was great, it was really great for wealthy white men in the 1850s. Today I’m cynical and a little hopeless, but it has allowed the flow of thoughts to come back. I’ve been posting a lot of stories on my business page because business ethics (I think) should be transparent with personal ethics. A business I strongly admire declined to fulfill a beverage order for SpaceX and people like that in my life really bolster my courage to speak up and speak out. I’ve gone months trying to think how to revive this writing space and I start writing things but then think I need to pour my whole life out of what’s been happening last year plus and maybe I’ll get there in little bits. But practices today involve the following: reading a lot more books. It is Black History Month (despite the White House trying to make it go away), so I’m trying to read from a lot of black authors. I’m walking and hiking distances and new ground week after week thanks to a mild winter. I’m stepping up my community involvement efforts around food, and really that is where I have power. We each of the power to affect change on the small scale with the people we live closest to and around and inviting more people to the table rather than dismissing them in a comments section on Facebook.

Movement and Creativity and Seasonal Affective Disorder

Consistency is key. When I start putting my self care routine, (namely two walks per day) to the side, things start to slide. That sciatica I had a few months of reprieve from, starts to rear its ugly symptoms again. My anxious thoughts start to overpower. I feel gloomy, lonely, and hopeless. I’ve reached that part of the year where this rut happens, it’s seasonal depression. I naively thought since it’s been warmer and I’ve been outside more that it wouldn’t hit but no amount of outdoor time can fix it when there’s no UV light and thus no vitamin D to derive from the sun.

I opened the store timing-wise to counteract the feelings of isolation that also naturally happen come winter. We’re all just inside and prone to hibernation mode. Well, we have to eat, so come on by and get some food and conversation to break up the daily monotony, it’s good for all of us! It’s the week of Christmas so I’m baking and making neighbor treats. Having a sourdough crisis in that I can’t seem to get a good rise, so loaf after loaf is a new experiment and little tweaks here and there. If you’ve received a flatish loaf from me, it’s still good, just pop it in the toaster for a bit! Or make it into a stuffing or croutons, we’ve done all of the above with much delight.

This is all to say, this time of year is hard, but also joy filled. Lonely and quiet but also inviting and eye opening. Looking for ways to express gratitude daily. Noticing how I crave color this time of year when all is brown and flat, so when I look up and get a beautiful sunrise or sunset it feels like a gift just for me. Laughing with people but also crying about the pain of it all. We will come to know the vastness of our emotions but will not be slaves to them. I was made by a powerful Creator, and I am a powerful creation. It is within all of us. What we choose to do with is up to us.

Look what a three mile hike outside of town can do to get my writing flowing again. Thanks for reading!

The Merc is Officially OPEN!

This one has all the shoutouts.

Penning down my thoughts after the whirlwind week and weekend. I’m still blown away by the support and encouragement we got from both locals and from afar. Thank you for birthing this idea into reality with me!

Last week was absolutely bonkers, last month someone from UMLF (our lender) stopped by and the space was basically empty, I was still waiting on my fridge and freezer and inventory hadn’t been ordered yet. I had my doubts that we could pull all of this off in such a short amount of time. Once we got our tables and shelves from our new friend Ben Larsen in Cedar City, things started flowing into motion. I started placing my wholesale orders, boxes and boxes were coming in almost daily.

Before and during photos to mark our progress

Then the fridge and freezer got picked up by Zach and our neighbor Joey on 10/30. Longest drive day ever for Zach as he did this “errand” on his way home from work, meaning after a full work day and early morning commute, driving to north SLC, then schlepping it all home and getting back well after 9pm. The following day, Halloween, we were making plans to get things unloaded after the trick or treaters were done, but my friend Bob recruited his dairy men to come right over after their shift and they manhandled the units into their rightful places in the store while the sun was still out. What a relief!

We got the units plugged in and the fridge started cooling right away, the freezer was not cooling, so a call into the repair folks was made. I have PTSD from my window replacement scenario earlier this year so any call to service people sends me into a spiral that the request will take forever to fulfill. Luckily I was proven wrong, made the call on a Thursday, and the came by Monday to complete the job. Way to be efficient Peterson Refrigeration and Appliance!

A morning’s work to get the freezer running
Half a beef loaded in
Inching closer

Once the freezer was up and running I got our beef delivery arranged and Megan from SunnySide Up Pastures came on Wednesday. All this week I’m also working in my drive up north to visit my dad and get last minute supplies, baking or making one or two something’s everyday, having labels printed and adding them to my products as they file in, making pricing tags, putting inventory into our POS system and thinking new things as I go. This for me is being in the entrepreneurial zone. Working for hours and hours without noticing how the time is warping by. I thrive here even though it sounds kind of manic. Don’t recommend for the long term, but if you have a deadline and know about how to work backward from it effectively it can be a powerful tool. Every night I went to bed utterly exhausted from the physical and mental demand, and I loved it.

Friday I did the last few pick ups, went to the bank, then we had a little chat back at home base with a pork guy who is just getting started and looking for a market like us. We’re not quite ready for pork yet but he’s our kind of farmer and has similar visions for the county and people’s overall health. Quick insider info, Sanpete county is the second poorest county in Utah, so access to all things including healthy food is pretty scant. Robert did leave us with a large cache of pork to sample and we are eating like royalty.

Saturday was our big grand opening day! I had only just found the previous week that out our county has a chamber of commerce, so some of the ladies came out and did a ribbon cutting ceremony. We got to network a little and I’m joining the chamber as it’s just getting started. Our neighbors and biggest fans were some of our first customers. We’re glad they shared in the special moment with us! The day flew by with a pretty steady stream flowing in, sharing stories and memories of this place, and enjoying some camaraderie with one another. It blew us away as far as any expectations. Everyone participated, Camden and Natalie did most of the register work, Zach entertained his coworkers who came down for the occasion, my VA a caregiver counselor came all the way from SLC just to see this vision come to fruition (he and I have been meeting for the past year + talking about all of this alongside all I do in my role as my dad’s caregiver). I am still very touched by his kindness.

Sunday and Monday were mostly rest days and now we’re gearing up for another weekend of food and neighbor time. Our business hours going forward are Fridays and Saturdays from 11am – 5pm (or by chance, someone has come in “by chance” everyday since except Sunday and we love and welcome that!). I got my food handler’s permit today and Zach and Natalie will be getting theirs so we can serve more prepared foods legally, the menu will be changing weekly and we hope to add some grab and go meals to the mix. We’re just getting started and are so excited about all the possibilities that lie ahead. THANK YOU to everyone who has helped and to those who came and will continue coming, for making this a success and believing in our vision. We know deep in our bones that we were placed in this place at this time to do something with The Merc. We hope you feel that energy when you step through our doors.

Ribbon cutting, sure do love these small town gestures
Before
During
After

South Star

It’s been 12 years since my mom breathed her last earthly breath. Today felt “off” in a lot of ways and when I finally recognized why I went a lot easier on myself and let my family know too. You can reset the day however many times you need and at any given moment. I’m also going to sleep before 10 on account of the time change so tomorrow me can be ready for the earlier sunrise.

It feels okay to write about what this south star concept means to me now that my dad is in the depths of his dementia and will never read or comprehend these words. This is in no disrespect to either of them I want to make that clear, but theirs was a marriage with a lot of turmoil. It was like two different marriages under one roof. My dad lived in a lot of darkness and depression for the decade after she died and before he got sick. She was the love of his life. Since he got dementia, he still thinks she’s alive, and it really works out better this way for all of us. My mom on the other hand wanted out. She voiced it regularly the last 5 years of her life. She felt stuck and tired and run down from holding up the marriage on her own due to the family disease of alcoholism. My dads raging alcoholism let him live in a fantasy world where everything was perfect, while she lived much of her life in misery – overworking to pay the always late bills, keeping the household afloat, martyring herself to the cause until it literally killed her.

I’ve forgiven them both in so many ways. And the biggest one is using their example as my south star. Whenever there is something out of harmony or reminiscent of my childhood growing up in an alcoholic home I don’t have to go resolve it using that same old beaten path. I can chart a new one and try something different. I can use any number tools that 12 step work has given me. I always have options and people to support me. I don’t have to do the same thing over and over again and expect different results (that’s the definition of insanity).

Don’t like a yelling house? Don’t yell and instead take your anger outside into nature. I screamed at the sky today and my throat still hurts. Don’t like passive aggressive behavior? Stand up to it and call it out for what it is in the moment. Ask for clarification and demand rigorous honesty. Be transparent with your kids about serious topics like money, sex, and addictions. Tell them where you’ve struggled and why. I didn’t get a North Star growing up but that doesn’t mean the next generation has to repeat the same traumas I experienced.

Gosh I miss my mom with such a huge part of my heart, but I wouldn’t have learned nearly all that I have in her absence. Her death pushed me to seek out healthy relationships with so many wonderful lifelong women friends and mentors that I know I wouldn’t have dared seeking out had she not died. I wouldn’t have the life I have today if she was still here, resentful and bitter. She loved a lot of things in her life earth-side, us kids above all else, being a grandma even if only for a short while, God, and even my dad despite his addiction. I don’t know how much she loved herself though, and that is another south star. Loving myself means I have love to offer others without reservation or judgement. She was a good example in modeling a Christ like love and for that I am grateful. Grief can me mixed and messy and this is what that powerful loss means to me 12 years later

Slowly inching toward a big goal 🐢

We’re opening a store! I know, I know, I said this months and months ago. Everything here in the middle of rural Utah just takes longer. A broken window took five months to replace because the only window repair in our county said, “Fayette?, we just don’t go out there that often.” They are half an hour away, I’m not way out on the edge of the earth though sometimes it does feel that way. Anyhoo, that much time lapse gives this overthinking mind too much to worry about. It was a big buildup preparing into the summer months then a slow march from there.

When we were in Colorado at the beginning of the summer, Zach and I were tasked with giving a presentation to Utah Microloan Fund, a nonprofit that helps start ups like us with no history of business financing. In the lead up to this task, I had to submit business plans, cost projections, all the legal documentation to prove that I was a serious business and this isn’t just a hobby or far fetched dream. The good news, we got approved shortly after giving our presentation!

So now with funding in place, I’m starting to order things like shelves, tables, a fridge and freezer, and soon even some inventory! Not setting an opening date until some of those things arrive and the space feels more ready, but I’m excited and eager to liftoff.

This gets to the heart of our fast paced, instant gratification consumer minds. I’ve long let go of Amazon-speed expectations, even they take a week to deliver here. Maybe it’s divine timing, and that means slower, not at my harried and frantic pace. I’m finally coming to accept my human limitations and just go with the flow a lot more these days. The chickens are coming into egg laying, so perhaps they were setting the pace all along. (Yes, there will be pasture eggs for sale as available!)

The garden was a big flop this year, but it’s our first time in a new climate and with the big blank slate we started with, just building soil is sufficient for now. The squash bugs didn’t kill everything so we’ll at least have some pumpkins and other gourds for the fall. I might get a handful of tomatoes if they ever decide to ripen. The chickens are enjoying the ground cover and they fertilize out there almost daily, so we’ll take the wins where we can.

Go baby watermelon, go!

We met some fellow Coloradans in Spring City who have a store similar to what we envision and I’m beginning to pepper them with some of my work flow and production questions. The key here for me is to not try to do everything. I need some recruits for baked goods and for produce (did you read about my paltry garden?)

Putting it all out here is vulnerable and somewhat intimidating. Getting the funding and talking more about it makes it real. I’m accountable to someone(s). It’s terrifying in the best way. I guess that’s how I know we’re on the right track. Thanks for encouraging me along the way, we really are better together.