One Year (plus a couple weeks) on the Homestead

I was having all these nostalgic feelings as the one year mark approached from when we moved here, but then we got into business and camping planning so my writing as of late once again has been thwarted. Nevertheless, the date came and went (6/19), so here I am posting in July. You, dear reader, probably didn’t notice and that is absolutely fine.

The biggest thing I’ve noticed here physically is that since we’ve been slowly improving the soil, when it rains we don’t get as many mud puddles or standing water. We’ll keep composting and adding inputs that improve the soil health, we have a fledgling little garden, and I have to keep my expectations low for much production this season. I’ll keep weeding and stay faithful, we’ve heard it could take up to five years to get the land to do what you want it to. Slow and steady is a saying for a reason. Also of note, while we’ve gardened plenty in the past it was always at rented property or on our school’s community garden plot. This is a whole new level starting from scratch, knowing what should go where, companion planting, shade patterns, etc.

We got 15 baby chicks in April and are babysitting a couple of sheep for the summer. Cats or something got into the coop while we were away last week so we are at 13 chickens now. I thought I’d be terrified of them since I’m not a huge fan of any foul but these ladies (and maybe a male or two, too early to tell) are really winning me over. The sheep are mowing our back pasture and there appears to be no more traces of thistle or bindweed, so yay them! Their manure is a great fertilizer as well. No plans for that area yet in terms of growing things but at least the mitigation is helping to clear out the negative so the native plants can thrive. Check out the milkweed!

Hummingbird moth on the milkweed

Indoors, not much has needed alteration. Just your run of the mill repairs and upkeep (today being the swamp cooler, just in time! Spring was good to us but now it’s HOT.) Our biggest projects have been getting water and electricity from the front of the property to the middle so that our two outbuildings can have power and we’ll eventually build a drip irrigation system for the garden so we have the infrastructure up to make that easier when we’re ready. Fence work is an ongoing project as it is for any farm. The big old trees will likely be getting some major trim work in the fall. They are great for their shade but they are Siberian Elms and they drop seeds and branches and ooze some gross liquid constantly. We’ll be pulling up their shoots for the remainder of our or their lives here.

The biggest upcoming news is that we got funding to start The Merc and will be opening a grocery store in the coming month or so. The business plan writing and projecting costs on financial worksheets were a huge mental hurdle and I’m so glad it all came together with help from friends, mentors, the SBDC, our business banker, and the Utah Microloan Program. I can’t wait to get to the physical work of transforming this blank canvas of a storefront into an actual business. Stay tuned for more, and if you’re a local reading this let me know what you’d love to see in this little local store. Think farmer’s market and kitchen staples.

Three years ago we left Denver for a nine month nomad excursion. That trip twisted and turned in so many unknown directions that make up the body of this blog. The first stop on that trip was a visit to our friend’s newly acquired hemp farm in Paonia, Colorado. Three years later we were able to return to their farm for their annual Summer Solstice party. Camping for a week on the western slope of the state we left has given me fresh perspective.

We’ve just returned full circle so to speak from that starting point. Seeing their vision come to fruition in three short years gives me great hope and inspiration for what we can also achieve. We saw their starts and have seen their work pay off in the way of a diverse community and successful business. We didn’t know where we were headed all those years ago, but we have a pretty good idea now. This was also the first camping trip we’d taken in a good long time where we were all actually excited to get back to our regular lives. It was refreshing to get away and is always sweet to see friends, but we are thriving in what we are creating here. Grow where you’re planted.

When Helping Hurts

This blog title comes from a book that was semi-required reading prior to any mission trip travels at my prior church. It is a helpful framework in traveling to developing countries on how to interact, how to level set our expectations, and basically how to not try to impose our ways of doing things or beliefs or values onto others. I think a lot of us get this cerebrally but in practice it is a lot harder.

The past two months we (but I mostly since I facilitated and brought all of this on) temporarily housed someone in our trailer and now that it’s done I have a lot of insight and also, like the title says, helping hurts. It was hard. There were some big missteps and misunderstandings. And frankly I invested way too much of my emotional bandwidth that left me weary and cynical.

The intentions here never wavered. When we were living on the road we were extended extreme kindness from several strangers as well as a church in Farmington, NM. Complete strangers allowed us to park our circus on their property for swaths of time that then allowed us to rest and plan and prepare for the next stop. It was a chaotic time but always grace filled. We were always grateful even if the circumstances weren’t perfect. And we always EXPRESSED that gratitude to our hosts, before during and after the experience. I knew I wanted to pay that hospitality forward when and where I could when the opportunity presented itself.

The opportunity presented itself with this traveler. But I abandoned a level setting of expectations that I should have expressed from the beginning. I’m terrible at setting boundaries and clear plans, so when those are lacking I quickly abandon my sense of serenity, be that around a relationship or a situation. This was the case and it became clear over a month ago that this wasn’t going to be as smooth sailing as we all thought it would be when we first went in. Fortunately, I have a team of friends and sponsor who can help me reason things out. I set a boundary and a deadline for this temporary housing situation to end. The past few weeks have been awkward but honest and we all survived. She left yesterday, the trailer is clean and she was respectful of our space. But I’m sad and disappointed because there was no thank you or real goodbye. Aside from a few conversations between her and I early on about gratitude, there was nothing else. I feel like a sucker who was taken advantage of for showing kindness. I see why people harden themselves off to doing these kind of gestures because we’re all just experiencing life with our hurts trailing behind us and not a lot of tools for collective healing or self reflection.

Would I do it again? Funnily, yes. So I’m not so disheartened or jaded from the experience that I’ve shut my heart to another possible opportunity to help. But I’m not an expert or a social worker so I’d do things vastly different if something like this came up again. Starting with agreeing to clear terms be that exchange of services or rent payments or what have you. I’ll also be more ready with what I can offer more clearly. When we stayed with our farmer friend Roger in Pagosa Springs, we had an hour long phone interview followed by a two hour sit down interview with him as a family to get really clear on boundaries and expectations. Gosh, Roger sure is wise. I can apply new wisdom too while keeping an open heart.

To the traveler, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for not having clear boundaries or expectations. I’m sorry for the fluctuations in temperatures as that trailer is not set up for long term living unless you know all of her ins and outs like we do. I thought that since we did it for so long, others could as well, and that turned out not to be the case and it’s on me for not communicating that very clearly from the very beginning. I’m sorry the shower was broken and that the wind blew out the pilot light so many times. So many things in that trailer in the elements are out of my control and every time something happened I felt terribly responsible. Also, thank you with the garden and chicken help during this early spring season. You clearly have knowledge and skills in those realms and i hope you get to keep applying those skills to new situations in your next place. If we ever cross paths again I want you to know we want the best for you and wish you all the good things you deserve. I hope you find the people and things you need to heal. It’s all possible and available. Happy trails to you.

Now onto our actual summer with travel and camping plans and zero drama.

I got lost in the weeds

It’s really been almost two months since my last writing. We’ve all been outside a whole lot (hallelujah!). I’ve been business planning, stumbling, tripping, getting stuck in fear and perfectionism, but I’m aware of that now and ready to step into action again.

I opened my planning notebook and the last day I took any business actions was the end of April. Then I allowed myself to get distracted by all the things; chickens, gardening, my dad’s things, my kid’s things. And on and on. It’s a destructive pattern that I can’t catch myself doing until I pause and recalibrate. Yesterday I plucked a box full of weeds from all over the yard. Last year when we got here there was little weeding to do – it was mostly dry and desolate, making the weeds very manageable and visible. The weeds I’m going after are brambly, all over the place, and once dry will become prickly goat heads. Bike tire killers, annoying to both people and dog feet everywhere. So I’m getting at them while they’re easy to pluck and soft enough to snag bare handed. But while I’m hunting I’m also thinking, (probably too much). About the state of our world, about the precariousness of starting a new business, about borrowing money for that business, about paperwork I still need to do for my dad’s needs, about driving all over the county for the next six weeks for Camden’s baseball, about Natalie starting some jobs this summer and how to shuffle cars for it all to work, about doctor and dentist appointments needing to be researched and scheduled. Like I said, all. the. things.

I got to the weeds for a few minutes this morning again but then had to stop. This goal of eradicating this specific weed in this moment is really keeping me from the work I need to do in pursuit of MY goals. Yes, it’s important, but I need not let it consume large swaths of my day. I need not exhaust my body first thing and then have nothing left in the tank for writing or planning later.

I’ve never been much for the write and schedule block in a planner, but maybe I need to change my mind on this. The things I put in the calendar rarely coincide with my own needs or goals. I have large chunks of day that I largely mismanage in service to the house or someone else. Do all mothers do this? Do all women do this? I thought I was more aware than I am.

The other thing that keeps coming up for my is the cynic who says that all of this effort is pointless so why even try. There are such huge societal issues playing out before our very eyes. We as a country are so sick and obsessed with weapons, more concerned with party over principle, completely numb to the horrors we hear of every single day. It’s exhausting to just be alive. What difference can a little store in the middle of nowhere (somewhere?) make? I could really use some encouragement in this area. The isolation of these thoughts keeps me stuck too. I feel powerless. So tell me reader, what you do to keep moving forward when we are the ones we have been waiting for.

Today is January 439

Maybe I’m being a bit dramatic, but this month is just forever long. It’s still dark and it’s still cold, ALL. THE. TIME.

And it’s doing its number on me.

I had a bit of a breakdown earlier in the week with tears and ugly crying as a result of a podcast (amongst other recent soul work), jotted some things down and called my sponsor. I feel a lot better today, less anxious and more grounded.

I had enough clarity after all of that to finish getting the business registration paperwork filed. I have articles of incorporation and an EIN and I feel like I just summited one of many mountains on this next business journey. There’s been part of my brain that couldn’t fathom doing this work until I knew my dad’s situation was a little more solid (I’m STILL waiting on Medicaid to kick in here, 4 months and 3 attempts at applying later), it’s no wonder I’m adverse to any government agency/process. It’s all just so many broken systems one after the other. Perhaps the focus on my own thing was just what has been needed to ease my anxiety about the other thing. Let’s hope that proves to be the case.

I thought I’d have more profound things to say, but as the hard week unfolded news-wise my thoughts diminished. I’m just so sad that we are so sick a country that we STILL glorify guns and police abuse of power over actual human lives.

I’m powerless over these systems that are working exactly how they were designed. The part I can do is offer comfort and support to those who are suffering. I can keep being a voice of reason and hope. I can look around my tiny community and see more in common rather than other. And with that, I heal and hopefully that healing feeds into those whose lives intersect with ours.

On food security and sourcing local

The memes making the rounds on the price of eggs has me laughing it up. Probably my favorite is this one:

It’s funny because it’s embarrassingly true. Just ask my sister or myself about the one time a friend’s dad caught us in the act and came running out of his house with nunchucks as we scurried away terrified! 🫣💀

But when I started thinking about this “crisis”at a deeper level, and level setting it to my reality here’s where I landed.

I will pay anywhere between $4-8 for a dozen cage free or pasture raised eggs (depending on where I’m picking them up and availability). I’m currently able to get two dozen for about $6 at Costco and that feels like a steal! Is there really a crisis, or has the bottom fallen out on an unstable model from big egg producers?

The once cheaper variety of eggs we are seeing depleted from grocery store shelves (and also currently price gouged) are grown in an unsustainable manner.

My county has a lot of large poultry operations, growing for Tyson, or…I’d like to list another but I think they’re a monopoly. Same goes for eggs. There may be tens of thousands of producers around the country but those farmers are growing their chickens and eggs to a standard that is not sustainable for the bird, the farmer, or the environment. All for a huge corporation that is demanding more and more for a lower bottom line. That way they can get a dozen eggs in the grocery store cooler for $1.88/dozen.

What happens when a chicken gets sick? Or how about a pandemic like avian flu moving through those enormous cramped coops that kill off the majority of the flock? That is what we are currently experiencing at the large scale level.

Your neighbor who raises their own chickens? Likely not affected, although egg production naturally decreases during winter months so the timing of all this makes a lot of sense. Support them if you are able to, but also look into organic or cage free or best of all pasture raised eggs. This level setting is happening everywhere in the food supply chain and I hope it’s opening more folks’s eyes to the problems that relying solely or heavily on centralized food systems creates. We were never intended to depend on ten or less huge corporations feeding an entire country. And look at what happens when we do, we are watching that system collapse.

Quick caveat: I’m writing from my personal perspective, which is a place of privilege that I can afford eggs at pretty much any price. If you rely on food stamps or affording eggs means sacrificing something else, please know I have absolutely been there. Where choices were not so abundant and we went without a lot of things due to their price. Eggs are a high-quality, low cost protein and there is a lot of food insecurity that touches people on the margins even more so when something like this happens. We are doing our best with broken systems all around us, no judgement or shade for how you go about putting food on the table for your family. This is a criticism of the industrial food system and not of people who need food subsidized.

On that long and rambling note, I’m opening a store!

I’ve been eluding to this basically since before we moved here, two weeks ago I filed the initial paperwork with the Secretary of State for my business name, and now things are starting to roll along.

Depending on how things go with funding and grants, I hope to open The Fayette Merc sometime in the spring.

Look, I can’t fix a broken system. None of us can do that individually but I can and do notice ways where I can make a positive shift in the direction that better serves my family and my community. If we all choose to notice and do things in our own small way, over time, these systems will rectify.

What I am writing is not new or revolutionary. It is doing my part in sharing the collective wisdom I’ve witnessed and experienced over the years from people doing good in this arena.

Now send me some good juju as I become a grant writer!

The Writings of Breanne Mashek

Homesteading, Caregiving, Ramblings, and Travel

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