Embracing Becoming a Generalist

It’s been a few weeks since sitting down to capture some thoughts. This podcast https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/mind-body-and-soil/id1615122217?i=1000604087792 … always gets my writing juices flowing so here I am again after a good listen. As for the title of this post, a more self deprecating phrase we’ve said as generalists over the years is “Jack of all trades, master of none”.

I’m very much in a similar rut of what I posted last month. I’ve come to embrace it as my mud season. More metaphor, but hang with me. A fellow writer I’ve recently started following http://jamesapearson.com…describes it as the gap between winter and spring where there is no clear path and every step feels heavy and uncertain. We are here both physically and theoretically as we trudge through the literal shit (manure) we’re trying to spread through the backyard to build soil, and emotionally as I do the deeper work of inner healing and connecting with my younger selves. Do not do this work alone, you’ll lose your muck boots in the depths of the sludge. I’m grateful for a support network helping me to navigate my own traumas and explore my forgotten childhood as well.

Back to the generalist idea though. We’re in a pre-spring kind of whack-a-mole place with our homesteading and store plans. I announced the thing but am currently stuck in the mire of all the details. I can see where I want to be months or even years from now, but there is not a clear path and my inner compass is skewed because I haven’t been to this place before.

Homesteading requires a highly sustainable level of DIY and I’m still a novice in a lot of the areas needing my attention. Earlier this week for example, I had an ongoing text and phone thread with a soil guy about cover crop and testing soil samples, got a new internet router installed but was not able to connect (fortunately Zach was the generalist here and got us online when he got home), I mopped the muddy floors almost everyday, sent a customer service email, was supposed to apply for a grant with a deadline of Wednesday but due to the no Wi-Fi issue went ahead and skipped that round, took the dog to training class, on the way picked up a gallon of milk from our raw milk lady, grocery shopped up north, went to the chiropractor, attended a coaching call and a webinar, and there’s a whole other running list in my head of things to do, research, cook, clean, prepare, that doesn’t even touch the business side of things.

I know we all do this everyday, every month, etc. but the question I had to stop and ask today is the same as last writing. Where is it in service to my goals? What is my next right step? When we were living on the road this was always at the forefront of my mind, next right step was usually pretty clear and we became very intuitive and knowing where to go and when to make a move. Living inside dulls that intuition to some extent. But I don’t want to have dull instincts so I have to get in the mud and feel around for my footing.

Here’s an example of where I think we are (maybe) getting it right. We want chickens, always have, and have been around enough urban farms or even friends backyards to know having them is a great farming segue and low entry barrier project. We even have a dilapidated barn behind our house that housed some foul at some point. When we moved in last summer the kids started clearing out that space. When we circled back around to the research end of having chickens there was a lot of debate about building a new coop or using the existing one and just making improvements to it. Next right step (and next right available thing) meant that improving the existing structure is more viable for now. We already had the lumber at the ready to do the work. The boys made great headway last weekend and we’ll be getting some chicks in early April after our spring break. Same goes for the garden, we have seeds, at least some workable ground, and a separate barn space for getting some seeds started indoors. We all have to start somewhere with what we have and this is what we have for now. And it is enough.

The mud season is messy but it can be full of fun challenges if we’re willing to look at it that way. I still grumble a lot on the cloudy and cold days but the temps are ever so slightly starting to climb and signs of spring are slowly making their selves known. I see it in the greening up of things and the return of more bird species to the area on my daily walks. Sometimes there’s even a clear blue sky to appreciate and if we’re really lucky no wind. Today is not such a day, but I can knock a few more things off my list from inside while I wait for another glimpse of the sun and for the mud to dry up.

If you don’t use it, you’ll lose it | Moving my body to get unstuck

I’ve made a lot of start and stop attempts at writing these last couple weeks. There are a lot of thoughts floating about my head around mind, body, daily routines, wellness, and food. I start and stop then get stuck in my head, then get stuck on the couch, then get sucked into all the other things that need getting done, which is just part of life I guess. The key is to not beat myself up for it. For me, part of this tension relates to the dreary winter season we are still in, (and thank goodness we are getting more sunlight day by day, because that helps ease the dread for me).

I heard this question posed on a podcast I frequently listen to: How am I treating my mind, body and soul as it relates to being in service to my goals? WOOF!

I can’t keep doing the “stuck” loop I’m doing and expect different results. (That’s the very definition of insanity for my recovery friends.)

Also, on my daily walks I’ve been asking myself, what is the thing that is invisible or that most people wouldn’t know is holding you back just by looking at you?

My answer to that question in this moment is sciatica.

For years, since before Camden was born, I’ve had this on and off struggle with my SI joints. Sometimes it’s completely manageable and gives me little to no trouble, other times it rears it’s ugly symptoms for a few days or a week then can go away for months at a time. Lately though, it’s been persistent and sometimes debilitating, it’s something that is holding me back from pursuing my goals. Maybe I’m getting too introspective, like how is this all connected, but I also think it’s trying to tell me something deeper. I’m doing some searching work with trusted friends and a mentor to gain some further understanding about my self and past patterns that I’d like to rewire in my ethos.

In the meantime I’ll keep walking, but noticing that just walks are not sufficient to keep the sciatica at bay have also started hiking once a week and trying to get in more Pilates, at least once a week as well. The hikes are especially rewarding at the moment. Millie and I head just a few miles out of town and I keep my snowshoes in the back of the car in the event the road or trail is snow packed. I’m so grateful to have easy access to wilderness, because if I didn’t I wouldn’t do it.

That’s what I mean if I don’t use it, I’ll lose it. Physically, it looks like strengthening my core (once again), doing the inside work to know myself better, flex the knowing muscles to develop newer ones and continue building on the foundation I worked so dang hard on for the last 15 years. Accepting that all of this work takes time and I am one hundred percent worth the investment. So how am I treating my mind, body and soul as it relates to being of service to my goals? Well, I have some pretty lofty goals on my horizon and am gradually working towards them. But I’m going to keep myself as the priority right alongside pursuing those goals so that I can show up as the best possible version of myself in my community and beyond.

Keep on climbing, can’t see the path now but more is always being revealed

BIG Caveat: I kept holding off on posting this after a week of several looks and edits. I tied it up with a bow at the end but things are messy and I’m I’m far from where I’d like to be. I went to the chiropractor last week and asked what is the emotional connection to this sciatic flare up. Because if our bodies really do keep the score, and when I’m not as connected to my feels, my physical body will start yelling to tell me that something or some things are not in alignment. The body/emotional connection that I’m experiencing has to do with not feeling supported. And it’s not an external support system that I am lacking, it’s my internal unhealed parts of me. Now that I have this awareness, I can actually move forward with gentle healing action. I liken it to the early days of my recovery work. I had to want to work through the pain instead of continuing down the path self destructive behavior that landed me a seat in those rooms. I had to stop blaming my upbringing or my past for my own actions as an adult woman. And I still have to do those things, but with a more inclusive stance recognizing that I abandoned some injured versions of myself along the way and now I’m looking back at them with deep compassion and empathy. I want their input, creativity, and skills to collaborate with the currently version of me as we do the things we dream of doing.

I realize this perhaps sounds absolutely ridiculous to some readers, and that is OK. It’s the best way I can make sense of my current state of being with the tools currently at my disposal. Nobody is going to do the work for me, I must show up for myself; past, present, and future versions. Maybe I’ll leave it at this. Whatever it is I am searching for at a deeper level (I as a collective we), let it begin with me. I (We) cannot pour from an empty cup. What will fill that cup will vary for all of us, but it must come from within. External forces can only suffice for a time and will not truly sustain.

Today is January 439

Maybe I’m being a bit dramatic, but this month is just forever long. It’s still dark and it’s still cold, ALL. THE. TIME.

And it’s doing its number on me.

I had a bit of a breakdown earlier in the week with tears and ugly crying as a result of a podcast (amongst other recent soul work), jotted some things down and called my sponsor. I feel a lot better today, less anxious and more grounded.

I had enough clarity after all of that to finish getting the business registration paperwork filed. I have articles of incorporation and an EIN and I feel like I just summited one of many mountains on this next business journey. There’s been part of my brain that couldn’t fathom doing this work until I knew my dad’s situation was a little more solid (I’m STILL waiting on Medicaid to kick in here, 4 months and 3 attempts at applying later), it’s no wonder I’m adverse to any government agency/process. It’s all just so many broken systems one after the other. Perhaps the focus on my own thing was just what has been needed to ease my anxiety about the other thing. Let’s hope that proves to be the case.

I thought I’d have more profound things to say, but as the hard week unfolded news-wise my thoughts diminished. I’m just so sad that we are so sick a country that we STILL glorify guns and police abuse of power over actual human lives.

I’m powerless over these systems that are working exactly how they were designed. The part I can do is offer comfort and support to those who are suffering. I can keep being a voice of reason and hope. I can look around my tiny community and see more in common rather than other. And with that, I heal and hopefully that healing feeds into those whose lives intersect with ours.

What do six month roots look like?

A list:

Seeing more livestock than people in your average day

Baby plants and garlic bulbs in the now frozen ground, burrowed in for their long winter’s rest

noticing distinct lines in the seasons from hot, dry summer to windy, colorful fall, to snow covered mountains anticipating an ever darkening winter.

watching and syncing to the moon and sun cycles, knowing which stars to look for as seasons pass from one to the next

A deep appreciation, for all of these things that I neglected to notice living in the city

Daily and weekly rhythms, caregiving and kid activities that attempt to ground me

A dog that relentlessly pushes me to walk at least 5 miles a day, for her health as much as my own

Three little kitties that follow us around the yard with their little mew mews and their playful spirits, their tiny paw prints in the snow

A neighborhood bald eagle perched in one of our old trees, as well as two hooting owls in the next

A lingering Quiet and being comfortable being with myself, this must be peace

Cooking nourishing food nearly every night of the week, the removal of convenience replaced with hearty preparedness, knowing that there will always be more than enough

That feeling of coming home, whether from a day spent errand running in the city or from the long sense of drifting we experienced before landing in this place, we are here, right where we are meant to be, in this moment and with these people. And that is contentedness.

Portal

Noticing
A sparkly thin space that appears out of nowhere
Not all are able to see
Many will simply walk by
One must be paying close attention

Curiosity 
A spirit still alive in some, 
Lying dormant in others,
waiting for their moment to wake from a long slumber
Where do the awake and alive get to gather?

To Gather = Together
Speaking of things that sound like gibberish
Spirit this, curious that, the world in birthing pains to a new generation
The only way through is through
Some will turn back, pretend this was all a dream
Wrapped up in a denial blanket, deliciousness on the edge of smothering

Those that choose to bravely venture forward 
Choose to do so with the knowing that we don’t actually know a thing
Trusting that we have all we need for this journey
Into new places
New realms
New possibilities 

Yes, it requires a dying of the old,
But the new is just too juicy to ignore any longer

We’ll all go into these places at different times and at different rates of speed
Our destination is one of Opening,
Love,
Joy, 
Acceptance,
Belonging

Inhale, exhale, all are invited here

Will you dare to take the first unknown step?

>I submitted this piece of writing from a prompt on the word Portal to the Animas institute, a first for me! Check out their work at https://www.animas.org

Natalie asked me the other day, “mom, are you a writer?“ to which I asked what qualifies as a writer to her. She said writing something everyday, which yes I do, notebooks full actually. So here I am, I’m a writer.

The Writings of Breanne Mashek

Homesteading, Caregiving, Ramblings, and Travel

contemplation