contemplation

The Slight Shifts

First signs of fall up in the higher elevations

On exiting one liminal season and entering into a literal one.

It’s October here in Utah, we’ve officially crossed into fall – mornings and evenings are crisp and cool but you can still wear short sleeves most of the day, the leaves are still green and holding on, but that soon will turn as evidenced in the higher elevations. It’s dark now on our evening walks and we’re all prone to going to bed much earlier, following our circadian rhythm’s.

What I’m letting go of and sketching into existence are some of the thoughts on my mind in this changing season.

I have written about this season before because it is so profound to me and I think I most certainly carry some of the traumas from my past that are more felt this time of year. In 2011 my mom got sick right around the beginning of October, she passed away just over a month later that November, shy of her 56th birthday. Last year around this time we were wrapping up our volunteer stint on our friend Roger’s farm and had very few prospects or ideas on where to drift next, it was the ushering in of a very dark and hard season experiencing houselessness far beyond what we thought life would look like as nomads and way past our comfort zone.

This year prospects are physically much much improved. We’ve been in one place long enough to literally put plants in the ground and to start growing roots, just as intended. Stability has done wonders for my mental state (as well as therapy and meds earlier this year when we were still unsettled). There are enough resources and a little extra every month so we are no longer in the trap of existing to pay for our lives. The cost of living is much more palatable for us here, so while inflation takes its toll we are prepared and feel lucky to be where we are at.

On that sturdier foundation I’ve been reflecting a lot on what I need and want going forward, what to continue letting go of, and what drawing up a long term future for myself (I’m purposefully making it about me so I don’t get distracted by others) looks like here. Here’s my lists in no exhaustive order.

💚 Things that are filling my body, mind, and soul:

🌄 Seeing the sunrise and sunset

📞 At least one long weekly phone call with at least one far away friend,

☀️ Getting outside in the midday sunshine for a half hour or so letting as much of my skin see some light and absorb that vitamin D

🚿 A cold blast for the last minute of my showers

🐶 Walking Millie every morning for 2 miles

📖 Getting to an in-person Alanon meeting once a week

🦶 Walking barefoot inside AND outside

🐮 Drinking raw milk

🥩 Eating simply, intuitively, and focusing on high quality proteins like grass fed beef

🪴 Taking care of our houseplants

🧹 Finding ways to be of service outside of home

✔️ Things that are have to do’s, but when I do them it’s a relief:

🤸🏼‍♀️ Pilates

🏋🏼‍♀️ Any phone calls or scheduling or administrative stuff for this household or my dad

🥙 Planning meals

🧼 Some chores, like I like the house vacuumed everyday, but we live in a dusty place so sometimes there’s just dust on things and it’s okay

🪫 Things I’m letting go of:

🚫 Other people’s opinions of me or my actions

📝 Things that are not on my list

Doing something for someone else if I’ve attached and expectation (a tit for tat mentality)

📱Doom-scrolling and mindless social media scrolling, especially upon waking up

🙅🏻‍♀️ Wearing fake crap that doesn’t feel good on my skin

🫢 Eating fake crap that doesn’t feel good in my body

I have journal pages full of ideas and notes from podcasts and drawings of future uses for space here, and am okay with them being in their draft stages in this moment. In the meantime, I’m going to just keep taking care in the ways that serve me, so that I can draw from a deep well when the next season is upon us. I think that is a very good use of what to do in a liminal space.

Questions for you dear reader: What are you up to this fall? How do you usher in a change of season?

Rainy sunset
Layers and socks with sandals
Baking for the season 🎃
A favorite sunny spot inside
Catching beautiful moments
150 native pollinator plants

Idle time

I finished filling up a gratitude journal before bed last night. When I penned the last page I flipped to the front again to look at the date. Writing out my gratitude list has been a decade + long process, I have several finished journals that store small snippets of most of my adult life, but this one in particular has the details of the last two years in which a lot of living has been done.

This journal started in March of 2020, a time when we were all forced into a global slowing down, isolating, an invitation to reset and restore in so many aspects of life. We took that invitation as a jumping off point for the next chapter of our lives. Much of it is documented here in the blog so I’ll save you the recap because you can go back and read for yourself if that is of interest.

Moving to Utah is the culmination of that whole journey, and I’m back to a reflective place that we all got to experience for a while there at least.

With the kids back in school all day, this has been the most quiet week I’ve had on my own in a very, very long time. (Just last week I wrote how eager I was for this!) I’m listening to a lot of podcasts, reading more, getting outside for a daily morning dog walk and weeding the backyard, getting some home and adulting admin things done, trying to spend less time on my phone or mindlessly scrolling Instagram (it’s hard!), dreaming, preparing. There is not anything of urgency that I HAVE to do right now, and that is an uncomfortable place for me to sit. The wheels in my mind keep spinning and I am recognizing that most days and weeks are busy and full to the brim with mine and everyone else’s needs that it keeps me distracted, in both good and maybe not so good ways.

So this post is an ode to idleness. I don’t always have to have a pressing thing going on, I don’t have to justify my day, I can sit, I can shower at noon, I can savor the quiet and not admonish myself for not doing more, I can fully rest before things pick up again – because they always do (and will in two days in fact, when we go to move my dad).

I’ve been particularly observant of our puppy Millie during this idle time too, I mean she’s my only companion during the quiet day. I’ve noticed her chewing on things that she didn’t when we first got her. My shoelaces being the newest victim. She is distracted enough when the kids are here, she follows us all around like, well, a puppy 🐶 But if she stops for too long and isn’t worn out enough from her walk or I’m doing something in another room that doesn’t interest her, she’ll sneak off and find something to chew. Is this how I am with my phone? Can I just BE without needing a distraction?

These thoughts invited me to ponder society as a whole, particularly the American “get ‘er done” mindset. When was the last time you just sat, trying not to think too much about your to do list, what was upcoming, etc.? I mean just truly sat in a very present moment with no agenda. It’s not a practice we are taught or that is modeled for us in very many realms. I read an email every morning from Richard Rhor that is all about contemplation. Have I ever really done it? Yes, but in very very small bites, and not with any regularity. Maybe this is my invitation (and maybe yours too), to a more contemplative place.

I’m very much a ready, fire, aim, (oops) type thinker and doer. Maybe it’s time to consider a different starting place. Beginning somewhere more mindful and centered. Maybe. Curiosity it’s is always a good learning tool for me, so I’m going to start there.