Maybe I’m being a bit dramatic, but this month is just forever long. It’s still dark and it’s still cold, ALL. THE. TIME.
And it’s doing its number on me.
I had a bit of a breakdown earlier in the week with tears and ugly crying as a result of a podcast (amongst other recent soul work), jotted some things down and called my sponsor. I feel a lot better today, less anxious and more grounded.
I had enough clarity after all of that to finish getting the business registration paperwork filed. I have articles of incorporation and an EIN and I feel like I just summited one of many mountains on this next business journey. There’s been part of my brain that couldn’t fathom doing this work until I knew my dad’s situation was a little more solid (I’m STILL waiting on Medicaid to kick in here, 4 months and 3 attempts at applying later), it’s no wonder I’m adverse to any government agency/process. It’s all just so many broken systems one after the other. Perhaps the focus on my own thing was just what has been needed to ease my anxiety about the other thing. Let’s hope that proves to be the case.
I thought I’d have more profound things to say, but as the hard week unfolded news-wise my thoughts diminished. I’m just so sad that we are so sick a country that we STILL glorify guns and police abuse of power over actual human lives.
I’m powerless over these systems that are working exactly how they were designed. The part I can do is offer comfort and support to those who are suffering. I can keep being a voice of reason and hope. I can look around my tiny community and see more in common rather than other. And with that, I heal and hopefully that healing feeds into those whose lives intersect with ours.
I’m so encouraged seeing more and more posts and awareness online about how the start of the new year, January 1 is actually a terrible time to set resolutions and jump into new goals. It’s still the early days of winter, we are cold and hungry for carbs. I don’t need a new body or new, well, anything really.
Don’t get me wrong, I am all for setting intentions and making progress and self improvement. I started working with a coach a few months ago to help me focus on that and on myself since this whole caretaking journey has taken on a new dimension in this new state. So I’m not saying abandon ship with one’s goals. I AM saying January is maybe not the best time to wake up and start saying I’m going to crush it in a whole new way just because the calendar says that’s what I’m supposed to be doing. That’s just a set up for disaster, at least it is for me anyway.
Things that I am focusing on in this cold, dark time of the year are things I was mostly already doing as we went into the season. I’m not adding to the list, and there’s a freedom in that. I’m editing more, who I follow, what I consume online, curating if you will. If it isn’t serving me in a positive way, I let it go. I’m sleeping more, because my body craves it. I’m puttering around the house a lot in granny sweaters and slippers, baking sourdough – not because it’s trendy, but because it’s nourishing to my creative spirit and delicious to consume.
May this post be a reminder to just do you. Edit and curate. Save the goal crushing for warmer months and sunnier times. Eat something filling and warm, and nestle in for the winter, give yourself what you need in this season.
Today, Christmas Eve looks a lot different than in past years. We are going it solo for maybe only the second time in our adult lives. While we miss our Colorado family and friends terribly, choosing home this year was a very intentional decision, making this year mostly about our rootedness and new traditions in one place. (And the timing of that polar vortex proved that we made the right decision, yikes!)
Today has been spent baking my little heart out with sourdough gifts for our neighbors. Tomorrow we’ll eat yummy food, open presents, and since it’s been so nice out these past few days, spend some extended time in nature.
It’s sweet and simple and what we hope for all of you. Thank you for the cards, treats, FaceTime calls, and continued words of encouragement from near and far. Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, Feliz Navidad, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Festivus, and to all a goodnight.
Seeing more livestock than people in your average day
Baby plants and garlic bulbs in the now frozen ground, burrowed in for their long winter’s rest
noticing distinct lines in the seasons from hot, dry summer to windy, colorful fall, to snow covered mountains anticipating an ever darkening winter.
watching and syncing to the moon and sun cycles, knowing which stars to look for as seasons pass from one to the next
A deep appreciation, for all of these things that I neglected to notice living in the city
Daily and weekly rhythms, caregiving and kid activities that attempt to ground me
A dog that relentlessly pushes me to walk at least 5 miles a day, for her health as much as my own
Three little kitties that follow us around the yard with their little mew mews and their playful spirits, their tiny paw prints in the snow
A neighborhood bald eagle perched in one of our old trees, as well as two hooting owls in the next
A lingering Quiet and being comfortable being with myself, this must be peace
Cooking nourishing food nearly every night of the week, the removal of convenience replaced with hearty preparedness, knowing that there will always be more than enough
That feeling of coming home, whether from a day spent errand running in the city or from the long sense of drifting we experienced before landing in this place, we are here, right where we are meant to be, in this moment and with these people. And that is contentedness.
On exiting one liminal season and entering into a literal one.
It’s October here in Utah, we’ve officially crossed into fall – mornings and evenings are crisp and cool but you can still wear short sleeves most of the day, the leaves are still green and holding on, but that soon will turn as evidenced in the higher elevations. It’s dark now on our evening walks and we’re all prone to going to bed much earlier, following our circadian rhythm’s.
What I’m letting go of and sketching into existence are some of the thoughts on my mind in this changing season.
I have written about this season before because it is so profound to me and I think I most certainly carry some of the traumas from my past that are more felt this time of year. In 2011 my mom got sick right around the beginning of October, she passed away just over a month later that November, shy of her 56th birthday. Last year around this time we were wrapping up our volunteer stint on our friend Roger’s farm and had very few prospects or ideas on where to drift next, it was the ushering in of a very dark and hard season experiencing houselessness far beyond what we thought life would look like as nomads and way past our comfort zone.
This year prospects are physically much much improved. We’ve been in one place long enough to literally put plants in the ground and to start growing roots, just as intended. Stability has done wonders for my mental state (as well as therapy and meds earlier this year when we were still unsettled). There are enough resources and a little extra every month so we are no longer in the trap of existing to pay for our lives. The cost of living is much more palatable for us here, so while inflation takes its toll we are prepared and feel lucky to be where we are at.
On that sturdier foundation I’ve been reflecting a lot on what I need and want going forward, what to continue letting go of, and what drawing up a long term future for myself (I’m purposefully making it about me so I don’t get distracted by others) looks like here. Here’s my lists in no exhaustive order.
💚 Things that are filling my body, mind, and soul:
🌄 Seeing the sunrise and sunset
📞 At least one long weekly phone call with at least one far away friend,
☀️ Getting outside in the midday sunshine for a half hour or so letting as much of my skin see some light and absorb that vitamin D
🚿 A cold blast for the last minute of my showers
🐶 Walking Millie every morning for 2 miles
📖 Getting to an in-person Alanon meeting once a week
🦶 Walking barefoot inside AND outside
🐮 Drinking raw milk
🥩 Eating simply, intuitively, and focusing on high quality proteins like grass fed beef
🪴 Taking care of our houseplants
🧹 Finding ways to be of service outside of home
✔️ Things that are have to do’s, but when I do them it’s a relief:
🤸🏼♀️ Pilates
🏋🏼♀️ Any phone calls or scheduling or administrative stuff for this household or my dad
🥙 Planning meals
🧼 Some chores, like I like the house vacuumed everyday, but we live in a dusty place so sometimes there’s just dust on things and it’s okay
🪫 Things I’m letting go of:
🚫 Other people’s opinions of me or my actions
📝 Things that are not on my list
Doing something for someone else if I’ve attached and expectation (a tit for tat mentality)
📱Doom-scrolling and mindless social media scrolling, especially upon waking up
🙅🏻♀️ Wearing fake crap that doesn’t feel good on my skin
🫢 Eating fake crap that doesn’t feel good in my body
I have journal pages full of ideas and notes from podcasts and drawings of future uses for space here, and am okay with them being in their draft stages in this moment. In the meantime, I’m going to just keep taking care in the ways that serve me, so that I can draw from a deep well when the next season is upon us. I think that is a very good use of what to do in a liminal space.
Questions for you dear reader: What are you up to this fall? How do you usher in a change of season?
Rainy sunsetLayers and socks with sandalsBaking for the season 🎃A favorite sunny spot insideCatching beautiful moments 150 native pollinator plants
The Writings of Breanne Mashek 