travel with teens

When the Planner runs out of plans

I’ve hit a wall before, even this year in the midst of all that came crashing onto my plate with regard to my dad. But I’m looking at another hard wall, this time a lot more personal and a lot darker. I’m writing to shed light on it and to share the burden to make it less heavy for me. Natalie had this premonition before I did (I think it’s even mentioned in a previous entry) and it’s all too true. She declared, “This isn’t fun” to her brother and our friend last time we were in Denver. I’m not having fun and in fact have been getting repeatedly sick, a physical manifestation of something deeper happening in my psyche. I get a depression just about every October/November since my mom died ten years ago. But this month, with all that’s going on (or not?) in our day to day lives, that depression is beyond my normal course of management. I’m actively looking for some mental health help and probably at getting back on antidepressants for awhile at least until our lives get a little more stable.

The strain on our nation’s healthcare system means the best chance at me getting the help I need is not in Farmington NM, but back in Denver. Coming “home” yet again, this time for nobody but myself. Natalie is coming with me and we are leaving the boys to the building and plodding forward.

Never in my 40 years have I had this despairing sense of I don’t know what is next for this long. I can usually makeshift or look on the bright side or what have you, but this time I’m completely out of plans, ideas, dreams, almost out of hope. And forgive me dear daughter for sweeping your exact same concerns under the rug last post. Like I said there, we’ll get you some help too.

We’ve continued prioritizing the bus building because that is secure and low-cost housing once it is complete, but when will that be?, I don’t know. Our 20’ trailer has kept us warm and secure but it was never intended to be full time living for this length of time. I keep looking on the bright side even when my back is screaming for a better solution to our pull out bed. I keep minimizing our needs when compared to the whole of humanity and can say we still have so much. I’m tired all the time despite sleeping soundly for 8-9 hours almost every night. Besides my children, I don’t have a lot of purpose or a project I can pour into while Zach does the construction. (I’m more of the planner for the bus and not the physical builder, that’s just knowing my strengths.) but yes, back to plans. I’ve noticed these languishing weeks that I can’t plan out anything. Don’t have the strength or mental fortuity for it. Ask me what’s for dinner, hopefully someone else has an idea. Ask me what we’re doing for the day, ummm maybe taking a walk if I’m done recovering from being physically sick, beyond that I don’t know, nor do I care. I’m 100% in survival mode and it is completely exhausting. I cannot keep existing like this.

Not sure how to wrap this one up. I guess it’s the underbelly side you don’t see on a typical nomad’s Instagram feed. I went to a church service (in person!) for the first time in two years yesterday and we chanted this,

“Our darkness is never darkness in your sight, the deepest night is clear as the daylight.”

So that was fitting for me and I’ll hold onto that hope.

The Kids are Alright

😱 Just look at the suffering

Writing this installment from a church parking lot in Farmington, NM. Almost exactly one year ago we quickly sidestepped through this town to avoid sub zero freezing temps in Colorado and started our journey west and south for the winter. This time will be vastly different, no journey further south or west until we have a bus to live out of. We’re still looking, but honing in on some leads for a place near here to winter over. We were sad to leave Roger’s farm near Chimney Rock, but it was necessary so we wouldn’t get snowed in there (his fear not ours, we know we could handle a few snowstorms but didn’t want to argue with our 75yo host).

Practically speaking, this does make the most sense though. In order to do this build we need to be fairly close to a larger town where we can get lumber and building supplies weekly if not more frequently. The path of least resistance brought us to here, an easy drive from Pagosa, milder temps, longer fall season, has all the stores we’ll need, and still a day’s drive to Denver should we need to make any quick returns for dad or other family reasons. Though we still don’t know where we’re going longer term, we’re trusting that it will all line up as it should. This church has been super helpful and accommodating to let us pitch it here for a few days. The grass is still green and there are roses still in bloom, the overnight temps are much more mild than what we’ve recently been experiencing (even compared to Denver).

With another move came much teenage angst. Natalie had the opportunity presented to her to stay with our sweet friend in Denver for a few weeks to a month when we were staying with her last week. But her wishy-washiness and putting off of an actual decision meant that we had to choose for her, she’d come with us because after all, we are all in this together. She is the most uncomfortable with the uncertainty at which our life is unfolding and we as parents DO want to be sensitive to that and provide as many assurances as we can, but at the same time, nobody really gets certainty with the life we’re handed and rarely do we actually have any control (perceived control, yes, actual control, no, lucky her to learn such a valuable lesson so young). Figuring it out as a unit and together seems the better course. The swings from complete despair over intermittent WiFi followed quickly by a a non-sarcastic “this is fine, I like it here” response less than a day later is emotionally exhausting. Gosh, parenting teens sure is fun! I have to remember my Alanon program in these moments, where I am not in control (hey there’s that word again) of another person’s emotions. Hard to do when those emotions easily overfill a 20’ trailer.

In jokingly summing this up, I keep remembering Natalie’s friend who moved and traveled abroad with her family at 13. To that 13yo at the time, the news of moving was devastating, a, “you’re ruining my life” level of bad parenting. We’re very much blazing our own trail in those terrible parenting footsteps 😉😏. Well ruin their lives whether we’re nomads or stationary, rural or city, rich or poor, traumatized or just living a regular life, I’ll pay for the therapy for them when they ask for it.

On a final positive note, Zach was finally able to procure the spray foam insulation we wanted for the skoolie build, as we wait here he’s already getting started on some smaller lumber projects. We need two really good, consistent 70° weather days to do the insulating (which may happen by the weekend!). Now to just makeshift a way to empty the bus of all our belongings…again. 📦📦📦