Covid and moving during a pandemic

Former ZCMI Department Store. 9 North Main Street Fayette, Utah

Funny (not funny) how this title could have been written anytime in the past two years. In fact, I know a lot of people who moved between 2020-2022 because the pandemic rearranged a lot of our priorities. It certainly did ours, and we’re certainly grateful for the grand adventures we had during the first half of it all. But this last 18 months has been a doozy and a huge practice in acceptance and embrace of uncertainty.

Let me back up to what we’ve been up to since the last time I posted two months ago (yikes!). Our little family has been pining for a homestead and a place to take new roots for much of these past two years. A lot of places got our hopes up, but we’d get down to business of planning it out and something would derail. It’s okay, it just meant it wasn’t meant to be and a lot of no’s would eventually land us on a yes. We are crystal clear on our yeses. We are picky, we know what we want and what won’t work for us.

We started to look at properties early spring on Colorado’s western slope. Two or three small towns specifically (once again, being very picky). We got our mortgage docs in order and started shopping. We all know how bonkers the housing market has been, but we figured we could take our time for the right thing because in rural places things move slower and there’s less of the wild competition for housing compared to the front range. We found a house we liked OK and put in an offer that was accepted, but the deal fell apart once we completed the inspection because there were just too many things to overcome that we didn’t want to be paying for for decades to come. (It wasn’t a hell yes.)

Back to the drawing board and back to family separation, because Zach has continued working in Utah and making trips back to the metro area as weekends and our budget has allowed.

About a month ago I started looking at real estate listings in rural areas of Utah. We’ve always enjoyed it as a place to visit, (hello 10 year Moab Thanksgiving tradition,) and Zach’s been falling more in love with it everyday. Could we be open to living there? Without knowing a whole lot about the areas we could afford we put an inquiry out to Zach’s landlord who is also a realtor. We started texting her some listings we liked and let it lie for a few weeks. As soon as the kids finished their online school year, we hit the road for an extended break in Provo to visit Zach’s current town and to hopefully find our next place.

We went into this week completely open minded, maybe we’d find a nice Provo rental so we could be all together every night, maybe we’d find some new little town within commuting distance. One of the listings we had sent to the realtor kept speaking to me though and I kept thinking about that little place. Maybe we should just look at that and start there, it was on our way into Provo after all.

That travel morning the kids and I stopped for a “quick” hike in Moab and I very quickly remembered why we love that place so much. Spring was very abundant in the desert and everything was green and blooming. It was also unseasonably cool so we didn’t mind hiking 5 miles in May. After a full morning we hustled our way to Fayette, Utah about 3 hours northwest to make our showing appointment where we’d meet Zach and the realtor, Emily. Upon first look, we really liked this place, but I was very disoriented and almost sick feeling from the long hike and drive, we also had another appointment to make in another small town 45 minutes away. The next house was in a more convenient town with more amenities, but it was creepy AF with the grandma’s antique doll collection everywhere, and the house needed more work than the first place. Emily agreed to send us more listings in the coming days and we finally took our rest at our Airbnb in Provo that night.

The following day we talked about what we’d seen and bookmarked a few more listings, but when it came down to it, none of us could stop thinking about the Fayette house, nothing else we had seen or were considering from the listings even came close in comparison. As the week went on we enjoyed all of Provo’s beautiful surroundings, did lots of outdoor things, and kept talking about the house as we walked, as we made meals, as we relaxed. By day three of our visit we decided we didn’t need to look anymore, we just wanted to put in an offer on the Fayette house. After a little back and fourth we signed a counteroffer and went under contract!

After having an inspection burst our bubble on the last old house, we were sort of holding our collective breath. This house was considerably older (built in 1908), and although extensively improved, you just never know until you start looking past the cosmetic work. We scheduled our inspection for the following week, and in the meantime asked if we could take another look at the house overall with fresh eyes and better perspective after spending our week in Provo. Good feelings all around this time, we met a neighbor, saw lots of kids doing kid things, visited the Gunnison store – the closest town with amenities, and fell in love with the house and property all over again. We headed back to Colorado the following day, tired from all the miles but so excited about the prospects of building our future in this tiny place.

Happy to report that the inspection passed muster! Zach returned to Colorado for the long Memorial Day weekend and we celebrated how all has been moving along smoothly. We have a closing date of 6/17!

Our future home, and perhaps another business on our horizon with that cutie storefront #serialentreprenuer

I’ve been overthinking how to exit Colorado this time. There are a lot of logistics to consider having our lives spread out across three states (the bus is still parked in storage in New Mexico), I keep joking that just for today that’s not for me to figure out. We’ve started telling family and friends how we’d love to get together. However, Covid had different plans / timelines. Last Thursday Natalie woke up feeling crummy, this after Zach saying on Tuesday he had felt almost hungover all day (at the time we attributed it to the long drive back on Monday). I tested Natalie and told Zach he’d need to test as well after getting her positive. Sure enough, he had it too and he thinks he brought it to us over the long weekend. Camden registered positive today but felt the worst yesterday. So far I’ve had no symptoms aside from paranoia that I’m getting it. We’re masking while we’re indoors and I’m keeping my distance from the kids aside from being the bringer of food and drinks.

So all this to say, we are moving to Utah! We’re hoping with the timing of our quarantine that we’ll still have about a week to say our goodbyes to friends. Reach out if you’d like to get on the schedule. We can’t wait to move to our little homestead, so much so that even Covid can’t get our hopes down.

Enjoy some more house pics!

If it’s not a “hell yes!”, it’s a (hell) no. And other clarifying truths.

I had a job interview a few weeks back. Actually two interviews in quick succession. And I got all jazzed up about the possibility of working somewhere that sought me out and in an industry I know and have a lot of experience with.

Good thing they got busy and let me think for a few days before getting back in touch,

because this is my default mode of operation ———> Get my hopes way up, imagine the possibilities and jump to exciting conclusions. Except for that nagging feeling in my gut that was screaming, “Don’t do it, this isn’t the right thing for you!”

Only when I got really quiet with myself and weighed the offer with my current reality and where we want to be in the coming year did I realize that no, in fact I don’t want a job that will require 50-70 hours of my time per week, salary doesn’t even matter at that point. I was terrified to share this with Zach and my family and close friends, yet once I did nobody judged me or thought any different of me. (And even if they did, that’s their problem, not mine.)

Doing the mental gymnastics was not required, yet the exercise revealed our next right step. If the priority for our family is to find the rooted place we’ve been desperately searching for for a whole year, than why put that off any longer with two lives in two cities where none of us wants to be long term.

So next right steps are being taken, but not before that pause and reflection. More soon…

Grief and My (Longest) Season of Uncertainty

It’s been almost one year since my dad got sick with encephalitis and subsequently was diagnosed with dementia. One year since coming back to Denver for the first time and putting our lives, goals, and dreams on hold. One year of survival, mental breakdowns, experiencing some of the deepest levels of anxiety and depression, churning family dynamics, grief, housing insecurity, and complete uncertainty.

Yes, it’s been a destabilizing year for most of us, but when I put my losses into words I can see their magnitude and feel the full weight of it all. I put this post down and pick it up again weeks apart because it’s hard to look at. Maybe you’ve lost some things too, welcome. There is space for all of us to hold each other’s grief.

I didn’t want to quantify my grief this way, but it was a suggestion from my sponsor. See, grief and I have this tricky past, culminating with the loss of my mom over ten years ago. When I went into that depression I had very few tools or knowledge of how to get out. The trauma of that experience has made it hard for me to want to get reacquainted with grief this time around. Like I mentioned in my last post, I’ve been reading a lot of sad memoirs and I think it’s a way for me to get adjacent to grief without going to the deep end.

I think I’m done camping out adjacent to and am finally able to dive into my own grief experience. (Also, if you’re not into this sort of sad stuff or if it triggers you in any way, skip past this post – I promise I’ll eventually get back happier times in my writing, this too shall pass)

So in no particular order, here are my Covid losses:

Community, leaving Denver by choice but then getting stuck in this sort of nomad hell with no lifeline or way out. Loss of income about six months ago that complicated things immensely and made our lives get really small. It’s dehumanizing and demoralizing. It makes people uncomfortable so my community got smaller.

Loss of a dream, a life in Guatemala, other dreams on hold, loss of the capacity to dream because sometimes that is just too tiring to think of. Loss of creative energy or the ability to “figure it out” on the fly like I once did.

Loss of a business and a business partner, I did not get a say in this matter and that still stings a lot.

Loss of a parent. Yes my dad is still here and I am making the best of it, no I can’t call him up and say what I sometimes need to say to my father. I’ve gained a toddler in some respects with regard to his mental capacity. (Fun AND challenging)

Loss of autonomy. Choices got whittled down, decisions were made from a perspective of loss and lack. While I’m so grateful to have the closest circle to fall on and hold me back up, I also want to be able to make my own decisions again, have my own space again, sleep in my own bed again, do things my quirky way without needing an explanation.

Loss of sanity, security, health, stress weight and hair, I’m putting it all down so yeah, hair gets listed too.

This is another one of those posts that can’t get wrapped up with a bow. Grief is messy, unfolding, sometimes all encompassing. I will say that I’m getting a lot of support from the following; therapy, being outside and walking everyday (even when it’s dark and cold and I don’t want to), from daily CBD use, from moving my body with Pilates and with toddlers (real ones, not my dad), drinking water, making dinner, and asking for what I need from my people. I’m not done with my grief, but saying it out loud and sharing it like this helps me move through it, explore it in a less scary way. Thanks for coming along with me.

Some of my sad reads for the year so far. Maybe I’ll pick up some light fiction in the coming months…

The Unglamorous Trek from Survival to Sustainable

Less writing, more reading. Less outputs, more inputs. I go through seasons and years of these yin-yang opposites and for some reason am just putting it together that life generally has swings like that.

Right now I’m doing some very part time contract work that’s getting us out of survival mode. I work four days a week at two different places and that is good enough for now. I reserved Friday’s and weekends for appointments and family time and am grateful that I get the choice to do that. While I’m working one my jobs I get to listen to podcasts or audiobooks and am loving that auditory stimulation. While we were nomads I rarely was listening to anything besides our family conversations and nature. It was good for a long while, but eventually I found myself craving the alone time that listening to something on my own affords me. I didn’t have the bandwidth to be both fully engaged with nomad life and listen to other voices.

Zach got a new job! He starts working in Orem, Utah next week. And this job will ideally be shifting us from survival to sustainable. We haven’t made plans to move there yet and he’s going to rent a relatively affordable Airbnb for the first month, then we’ll assess from there. The kids and I will remain in Denver with our friend at least through February so I can keep working and as to not upset the stability we’ve built on since coming here in crisis mode in mid-November.

Since coming, we’ve all had Dr. visits, dental and orthodontist visits, mental health visits (and some still to come), and this taking care of myself first shift has been very healthy and, here’s that word again, sustainable. Thanks to Medicaid for making all this possible. I darkly joke that we were finally poor enough to afford these long put off visits. Yes, we had care in the past but since Zach worked for such a small company the out of pocket expenses were astronomical. The kids would get their yearly dr. visits for a copay but dental and braces was all out of pocket. Any emergencies required years of paying on hospital and medical bills since we’d never meet the very high deductible. Tell me why again we have insurance tied to employment? I have zero complaints about Medicaid and have been able to resume care with doctors who know us and have long established records of our past care.

Coming out of survival has made the mundane much more appealing to me. The yin-yang here is that yes, I like spontaneity, but I also crave structure (more than i realized). It’s a Both/and like so many things. I’ll take my free spirit flexibility in smaller doses if I can have a few more foundational needs met thank you very much. It’s less sexy but also far more stable for the long road ahead.

In the dry and dead there is also life teeming underneath the surface. I’m fallow for awhile so that whatever is lying deeper can patiently arise to the surface come spring.

Today is January 1, 2022

I cried when I heard Betty White died. It was the collective grief-filled end to a hard year for a lot of us. I’ve lamented here and in other places plenty, but also reflected on the good parts. And I think that’s what makes this week in the year such a unique one. The introspection and hope of looking forward coupled with the reminiscing of the past.

The trick for me is to not get too caught up in either the past or the future, so I’m also hyper focused on what am I doing in this day.

I’m usually much more eloquent in my writing about what I’ve been mulling over lately, but I’m still in a tired and depressed state that isn’t allowing for much creativity. I’m also working a little and looking for more long term jobs that align with the values and lifestyle we dream of creating, which is a huge time undertaking.

It’s definitely getting better little by little, so long as I keep putting my oxygen mask on first and prioritize my program and well being before trying to do anything else for anyone else. (Gosh that still sounds so selfish, chalk it partially up on being raised by a martyr.) I’m also trying hard not to project or plan too far into the future because addressing our current and immediate needs is enough for now. Is this how you do it? Live in the now? I’ve spent so little time here these past two years. But when I practice in the now, even when the now is not all that glamorous, I find my way back to the flow. And that is also what I call God.