What do six month roots look like?

A list:

Seeing more livestock than people in your average day

Baby plants and garlic bulbs in the now frozen ground, burrowed in for their long winter’s rest

noticing distinct lines in the seasons from hot, dry summer to windy, colorful fall, to snow covered mountains anticipating an ever darkening winter.

watching and syncing to the moon and sun cycles, knowing which stars to look for as seasons pass from one to the next

A deep appreciation, for all of these things that I neglected to notice living in the city

Daily and weekly rhythms, caregiving and kid activities that attempt to ground me

A dog that relentlessly pushes me to walk at least 5 miles a day, for her health as much as my own

Three little kitties that follow us around the yard with their little mew mews and their playful spirits, their tiny paw prints in the snow

A neighborhood bald eagle perched in one of our old trees, as well as two hooting owls in the next

A lingering Quiet and being comfortable being with myself, this must be peace

Cooking nourishing food nearly every night of the week, the removal of convenience replaced with hearty preparedness, knowing that there will always be more than enough

That feeling of coming home, whether from a day spent errand running in the city or from the long sense of drifting we experienced before landing in this place, we are here, right where we are meant to be, in this moment and with these people. And that is contentedness.

The Slight Shifts

First signs of fall up in the higher elevations

On exiting one liminal season and entering into a literal one.

It’s October here in Utah, we’ve officially crossed into fall – mornings and evenings are crisp and cool but you can still wear short sleeves most of the day, the leaves are still green and holding on, but that soon will turn as evidenced in the higher elevations. It’s dark now on our evening walks and we’re all prone to going to bed much earlier, following our circadian rhythm’s.

What I’m letting go of and sketching into existence are some of the thoughts on my mind in this changing season.

I have written about this season before because it is so profound to me and I think I most certainly carry some of the traumas from my past that are more felt this time of year. In 2011 my mom got sick right around the beginning of October, she passed away just over a month later that November, shy of her 56th birthday. Last year around this time we were wrapping up our volunteer stint on our friend Roger’s farm and had very few prospects or ideas on where to drift next, it was the ushering in of a very dark and hard season experiencing houselessness far beyond what we thought life would look like as nomads and way past our comfort zone.

This year prospects are physically much much improved. We’ve been in one place long enough to literally put plants in the ground and to start growing roots, just as intended. Stability has done wonders for my mental state (as well as therapy and meds earlier this year when we were still unsettled). There are enough resources and a little extra every month so we are no longer in the trap of existing to pay for our lives. The cost of living is much more palatable for us here, so while inflation takes its toll we are prepared and feel lucky to be where we are at.

On that sturdier foundation I’ve been reflecting a lot on what I need and want going forward, what to continue letting go of, and what drawing up a long term future for myself (I’m purposefully making it about me so I don’t get distracted by others) looks like here. Here’s my lists in no exhaustive order.

💚 Things that are filling my body, mind, and soul:

🌄 Seeing the sunrise and sunset

📞 At least one long weekly phone call with at least one far away friend,

☀️ Getting outside in the midday sunshine for a half hour or so letting as much of my skin see some light and absorb that vitamin D

🚿 A cold blast for the last minute of my showers

🐶 Walking Millie every morning for 2 miles

📖 Getting to an in-person Alanon meeting once a week

🦶 Walking barefoot inside AND outside

🐮 Drinking raw milk

🥩 Eating simply, intuitively, and focusing on high quality proteins like grass fed beef

🪴 Taking care of our houseplants

🧹 Finding ways to be of service outside of home

✔️ Things that are have to do’s, but when I do them it’s a relief:

🤸🏼‍♀️ Pilates

🏋🏼‍♀️ Any phone calls or scheduling or administrative stuff for this household or my dad

🥙 Planning meals

🧼 Some chores, like I like the house vacuumed everyday, but we live in a dusty place so sometimes there’s just dust on things and it’s okay

🪫 Things I’m letting go of:

🚫 Other people’s opinions of me or my actions

📝 Things that are not on my list

Doing something for someone else if I’ve attached and expectation (a tit for tat mentality)

📱Doom-scrolling and mindless social media scrolling, especially upon waking up

🙅🏻‍♀️ Wearing fake crap that doesn’t feel good on my skin

🫢 Eating fake crap that doesn’t feel good in my body

I have journal pages full of ideas and notes from podcasts and drawings of future uses for space here, and am okay with them being in their draft stages in this moment. In the meantime, I’m going to just keep taking care in the ways that serve me, so that I can draw from a deep well when the next season is upon us. I think that is a very good use of what to do in a liminal space.

Questions for you dear reader: What are you up to this fall? How do you usher in a change of season?

Idle time

I finished filling up a gratitude journal before bed last night. When I penned the last page I flipped to the front again to look at the date. Writing out my gratitude list has been a decade + long process, I have several finished journals that store small snippets of most of my adult life, but this one in particular has the details of the last two years in which a lot of living has been done.

This journal started in March of 2020, a time when we were all forced into a global slowing down, isolating, an invitation to reset and restore in so many aspects of life. We took that invitation as a jumping off point for the next chapter of our lives. Much of it is documented here in the blog so I’ll save you the recap because you can go back and read for yourself if that is of interest.

Moving to Utah is the culmination of that whole journey, and I’m back to a reflective place that we all got to experience for a while there at least.

With the kids back in school all day, this has been the most quiet week I’ve had on my own in a very, very long time. (Just last week I wrote how eager I was for this!) I’m listening to a lot of podcasts, reading more, getting outside for a daily morning dog walk and weeding the backyard, getting some home and adulting admin things done, trying to spend less time on my phone or mindlessly scrolling Instagram (it’s hard!), dreaming, preparing. There is not anything of urgency that I HAVE to do right now, and that is an uncomfortable place for me to sit. The wheels in my mind keep spinning and I am recognizing that most days and weeks are busy and full to the brim with mine and everyone else’s needs that it keeps me distracted, in both good and maybe not so good ways.

So this post is an ode to idleness. I don’t always have to have a pressing thing going on, I don’t have to justify my day, I can sit, I can shower at noon, I can savor the quiet and not admonish myself for not doing more, I can fully rest before things pick up again – because they always do (and will in two days in fact, when we go to move my dad).

I’ve been particularly observant of our puppy Millie during this idle time too, I mean she’s my only companion during the quiet day. I’ve noticed her chewing on things that she didn’t when we first got her. My shoelaces being the newest victim. She is distracted enough when the kids are here, she follows us all around like, well, a puppy 🐶 But if she stops for too long and isn’t worn out enough from her walk or I’m doing something in another room that doesn’t interest her, she’ll sneak off and find something to chew. Is this how I am with my phone? Can I just BE without needing a distraction?

These thoughts invited me to ponder society as a whole, particularly the American “get ‘er done” mindset. When was the last time you just sat, trying not to think too much about your to do list, what was upcoming, etc.? I mean just truly sat in a very present moment with no agenda. It’s not a practice we are taught or that is modeled for us in very many realms. I read an email every morning from Richard Rhor that is all about contemplation. Have I ever really done it? Yes, but in very very small bites, and not with any regularity. Maybe this is my invitation (and maybe yours too), to a more contemplative place.

I’m very much a ready, fire, aim, (oops) type thinker and doer. Maybe it’s time to consider a different starting place. Beginning somewhere more mindful and centered. Maybe. Curiosity it’s is always a good learning tool for me, so I’m going to start there.

Lived-in

The summer has absolutely flown by, what even is time?

We’ve been making this old house our cozy home for the past 7ish weeks, and still have a ways to go. The projects, at times, feel endless, but we also save plenty of space for rest and recreation. Our favorite close place is Palisade State Park, a 20 minute drive to a small lake where we can paddle board and jump off rocks. There’s also close hiking and easy access to recreation all around us.

Day trip to Manti-La Sal National Forest

The kids are both registered for public school five miles down the road in Gunnison. (BTW there is a lot of overlap with names of places here that Colorado has, sorry for any confusion). The feelings about school are a mixed bag around here. One kid thrives on structure and is excited, the other is more reserved and pensive. Fortunately they both already knows at least a handful of kids, so perhaps some of the first day jitters don’t have to show up. They start this Thursday (!), I’m quite excited for a return to solitary days since it’s been more than two years. We’ve had A LOT of one another during this whole pandemic/tiny travel life/houseless/couch surfing situation. Don’t get me wrong, I love those two nuggets like nothing else, but mama needs some alone time to get her brain screwed back on straight.

We had a fantastic visit with our Denver friends to celebrate both Sara and Utah’s birthday. Who will be our next visitors?

Work work work… the travel fatigue has worn off for Zach who commutes 90 miles each way to work everyday. He got himself an electric car after doing the math of car payment vs. paying for rent on a place in Provo. I go up to Provo either solo or with kids about once every three weeks for the bigger supply runs and to attend an Alanon meeting in person. I can say with certainty that I much prefer this drive to anything in the metro Denver area. The miles are big but there is virtually zero traffic, and now with gas prices easing up a bit it’s not nearly as painful on the wallet. Needs continue to be a couch (want something very specific second hand) and a deep freeze as we hope to get a half a cow in this fall, to also go easier on the weekly grocery budget.

Projects we’ve already knocked out include fence mending, building some gates from repurposed screen doors that were left here, furniture sourcing and mending, general electrical tidying up, drywall mending and paint, bathtub sealing, nonstop cutting and trimming of the big elm trees that drop things nearly every day. Yes, this place came remodeled, no not everything is perfect or was done in the most sensical manner, so we’re making it make sense for us with what we have and whatever else can come later. There’s plenty more on the horizon including getting some chickens and gardens going, we just got here a little too late into the growing season to make much happen thus far. I did apply for a native pollinator grant that the state was offering and I’ll receive 150 native plants in about a month, very excited about that.

Update on dad: The biggest impending update to share is that we are moving my dad to Utah at the end of the month! It’s been extremely difficult making decisions for him these past two months. Getting a call from his assisted living home ties my stomach in knots because there’s not a lot I can do from this distance. We played with the idea of him living with us and me being his full time caregiver, but in the end have decided on another assisted living facility so he can get the hands on support he needs and I don’t have to be worried about him falling in this old house that has so many weird half steps and thresholds, not to mention the claw foot tub situation, (like how would he even get in there?). Huge kudos to anyone giving an aging or sick loved one full time care, it is so much work and there are not nearly enough supports, that is what ultimately made our decision here. Could I do it, yes, Does it mean I should? For the time being, it’s a no.

Writing, dreaming, business-ing: With this much needed shift in available time, I hope to get back into wring this long form more often. I shared a lot over these last two years, the heights of our adventures and the depths of my sorrows with dad’s quick diagnosis and decline. I want to continue documenting the journey, and the writing process is so much more meaningful to me as opposed to quick blurbs on Instagram. We also have this whole storefront that we get to dream into something meaningful for our community. The wheels have been turning on ideas since before we even got here, more is always being revealed. We’ve been collecting intel on other historic mercantile buildings in the surrounding small towns, time to get some ideas into action. These last few months have felt quite surreal, Camden often mutters “this place is too good for us”, but I have a different perspective. This place is what we dreamed of for a good long while and the willingness to go on the journey that got us here makes us that much more grateful and appreciative of all the things big and small that make it so good. The locals often ask us how we found ourselves here. We joke that it was the house that found us. I still can’t believe that it’s true, but we are rooting in here just fine and the doors are always open for a visit.

Happy Utahns (had to look up that spelling)

Covid and moving during a pandemic

Former ZCMI Department Store. 9 North Main Street Fayette, Utah

Funny (not funny) how this title could have been written anytime in the past two years. In fact, I know a lot of people who moved between 2020-2022 because the pandemic rearranged a lot of our priorities. It certainly did ours, and we’re certainly grateful for the grand adventures we had during the first half of it all. But this last 18 months has been a doozy and a huge practice in acceptance and embrace of uncertainty.

Let me back up to what we’ve been up to since the last time I posted two months ago (yikes!). Our little family has been pining for a homestead and a place to take new roots for much of these past two years. A lot of places got our hopes up, but we’d get down to business of planning it out and something would derail. It’s okay, it just meant it wasn’t meant to be and a lot of no’s would eventually land us on a yes. We are crystal clear on our yeses. We are picky, we know what we want and what won’t work for us.

We started to look at properties early spring on Colorado’s western slope. Two or three small towns specifically (once again, being very picky). We got our mortgage docs in order and started shopping. We all know how bonkers the housing market has been, but we figured we could take our time for the right thing because in rural places things move slower and there’s less of the wild competition for housing compared to the front range. We found a house we liked OK and put in an offer that was accepted, but the deal fell apart once we completed the inspection because there were just too many things to overcome that we didn’t want to be paying for for decades to come. (It wasn’t a hell yes.)

Back to the drawing board and back to family separation, because Zach has continued working in Utah and making trips back to the metro area as weekends and our budget has allowed.

About a month ago I started looking at real estate listings in rural areas of Utah. We’ve always enjoyed it as a place to visit, (hello 10 year Moab Thanksgiving tradition,) and Zach’s been falling more in love with it everyday. Could we be open to living there? Without knowing a whole lot about the areas we could afford we put an inquiry out to Zach’s landlord who is also a realtor. We started texting her some listings we liked and let it lie for a few weeks. As soon as the kids finished their online school year, we hit the road for an extended break in Provo to visit Zach’s current town and to hopefully find our next place.

We went into this week completely open minded, maybe we’d find a nice Provo rental so we could be all together every night, maybe we’d find some new little town within commuting distance. One of the listings we had sent to the realtor kept speaking to me though and I kept thinking about that little place. Maybe we should just look at that and start there, it was on our way into Provo after all.

That travel morning the kids and I stopped for a “quick” hike in Moab and I very quickly remembered why we love that place so much. Spring was very abundant in the desert and everything was green and blooming. It was also unseasonably cool so we didn’t mind hiking 5 miles in May. After a full morning we hustled our way to Fayette, Utah about 3 hours northwest to make our showing appointment where we’d meet Zach and the realtor, Emily. Upon first look, we really liked this place, but I was very disoriented and almost sick feeling from the long hike and drive, we also had another appointment to make in another small town 45 minutes away. The next house was in a more convenient town with more amenities, but it was creepy AF with the grandma’s antique doll collection everywhere, and the house needed more work than the first place. Emily agreed to send us more listings in the coming days and we finally took our rest at our Airbnb in Provo that night.

The following day we talked about what we’d seen and bookmarked a few more listings, but when it came down to it, none of us could stop thinking about the Fayette house, nothing else we had seen or were considering from the listings even came close in comparison. As the week went on we enjoyed all of Provo’s beautiful surroundings, did lots of outdoor things, and kept talking about the house as we walked, as we made meals, as we relaxed. By day three of our visit we decided we didn’t need to look anymore, we just wanted to put in an offer on the Fayette house. After a little back and fourth we signed a counteroffer and went under contract!

After having an inspection burst our bubble on the last old house, we were sort of holding our collective breath. This house was considerably older (built in 1908), and although extensively improved, you just never know until you start looking past the cosmetic work. We scheduled our inspection for the following week, and in the meantime asked if we could take another look at the house overall with fresh eyes and better perspective after spending our week in Provo. Good feelings all around this time, we met a neighbor, saw lots of kids doing kid things, visited the Gunnison store – the closest town with amenities, and fell in love with the house and property all over again. We headed back to Colorado the following day, tired from all the miles but so excited about the prospects of building our future in this tiny place.

Happy to report that the inspection passed muster! Zach returned to Colorado for the long Memorial Day weekend and we celebrated how all has been moving along smoothly. We have a closing date of 6/17!

Our future home, and perhaps another business on our horizon with that cutie storefront #serialentreprenuer

I’ve been overthinking how to exit Colorado this time. There are a lot of logistics to consider having our lives spread out across three states (the bus is still parked in storage in New Mexico), I keep joking that just for today that’s not for me to figure out. We’ve started telling family and friends how we’d love to get together. However, Covid had different plans / timelines. Last Thursday Natalie woke up feeling crummy, this after Zach saying on Tuesday he had felt almost hungover all day (at the time we attributed it to the long drive back on Monday). I tested Natalie and told Zach he’d need to test as well after getting her positive. Sure enough, he had it too and he thinks he brought it to us over the long weekend. Camden registered positive today but felt the worst yesterday. So far I’ve had no symptoms aside from paranoia that I’m getting it. We’re masking while we’re indoors and I’m keeping my distance from the kids aside from being the bringer of food and drinks.

So all this to say, we are moving to Utah! We’re hoping with the timing of our quarantine that we’ll still have about a week to say our goodbyes to friends. Reach out if you’d like to get on the schedule. We can’t wait to move to our little homestead, so much so that even Covid can’t get our hopes down.

Enjoy some more house pics!