wintering

South Star

It’s been 12 years since my mom breathed her last earthly breath. Today felt “off” in a lot of ways and when I finally recognized why I went a lot easier on myself and let my family know too. You can reset the day however many times you need and at any given moment. I’m also going to sleep before 10 on account of the time change so tomorrow me can be ready for the earlier sunrise.

It feels okay to write about what this south star concept means to me now that my dad is in the depths of his dementia and will never read or comprehend these words. This is in no disrespect to either of them I want to make that clear, but theirs was a marriage with a lot of turmoil. It was like two different marriages under one roof. My dad lived in a lot of darkness and depression for the decade after she died and before he got sick. She was the love of his life. Since he got dementia, he still thinks she’s alive, and it really works out better this way for all of us. My mom on the other hand wanted out. She voiced it regularly the last 5 years of her life. She felt stuck and tired and run down from holding up the marriage on her own due to the family disease of alcoholism. My dads raging alcoholism let him live in a fantasy world where everything was perfect, while she lived much of her life in misery – overworking to pay the always late bills, keeping the household afloat, martyring herself to the cause until it literally killed her.

I’ve forgiven them both in so many ways. And the biggest one is using their example as my south star. Whenever there is something out of harmony or reminiscent of my childhood growing up in an alcoholic home I don’t have to go resolve it using that same old beaten path. I can chart a new one and try something different. I can use any number tools that 12 step work has given me. I always have options and people to support me. I don’t have to do the same thing over and over again and expect different results (that’s the definition of insanity).

Don’t like a yelling house? Don’t yell and instead take your anger outside into nature. I screamed at the sky today and my throat still hurts. Don’t like passive aggressive behavior? Stand up to it and call it out for what it is in the moment. Ask for clarification and demand rigorous honesty. Be transparent with your kids about serious topics like money, sex, and addictions. Tell them where you’ve struggled and why. I didn’t get a North Star growing up but that doesn’t mean the next generation has to repeat the same traumas I experienced.

Gosh I miss my mom with such a huge part of my heart, but I wouldn’t have learned nearly all that I have in her absence. Her death pushed me to seek out healthy relationships with so many wonderful lifelong women friends and mentors that I know I wouldn’t have dared seeking out had she not died. I wouldn’t have the life I have today if she was still here, resentful and bitter. She loved a lot of things in her life earth-side, us kids above all else, being a grandma even if only for a short while, God, and even my dad despite his addiction. I don’t know how much she loved herself though, and that is another south star. Loving myself means I have love to offer others without reservation or judgement. She was a good example in modeling a Christ like love and for that I am grateful. Grief can me mixed and messy and this is what that powerful loss means to me 12 years later

If you don’t use it, you’ll lose it | Moving my body to get unstuck

I’ve made a lot of start and stop attempts at writing these last couple weeks. There are a lot of thoughts floating about my head around mind, body, daily routines, wellness, and food. I start and stop then get stuck in my head, then get stuck on the couch, then get sucked into all the other things that need getting done, which is just part of life I guess. The key is to not beat myself up for it. For me, part of this tension relates to the dreary winter season we are still in, (and thank goodness we are getting more sunlight day by day, because that helps ease the dread for me).

I heard this question posed on a podcast I frequently listen to: How am I treating my mind, body and soul as it relates to being in service to my goals? WOOF!

I can’t keep doing the “stuck” loop I’m doing and expect different results. (That’s the very definition of insanity for my recovery friends.)

Also, on my daily walks I’ve been asking myself, what is the thing that is invisible or that most people wouldn’t know is holding you back just by looking at you?

My answer to that question in this moment is sciatica.

For years, since before Camden was born, I’ve had this on and off struggle with my SI joints. Sometimes it’s completely manageable and gives me little to no trouble, other times it rears it’s ugly symptoms for a few days or a week then can go away for months at a time. Lately though, it’s been persistent and sometimes debilitating, it’s something that is holding me back from pursuing my goals. Maybe I’m getting too introspective, like how is this all connected, but I also think it’s trying to tell me something deeper. I’m doing some searching work with trusted friends and a mentor to gain some further understanding about my self and past patterns that I’d like to rewire in my ethos.

In the meantime I’ll keep walking, but noticing that just walks are not sufficient to keep the sciatica at bay have also started hiking once a week and trying to get in more Pilates, at least once a week as well. The hikes are especially rewarding at the moment. Millie and I head just a few miles out of town and I keep my snowshoes in the back of the car in the event the road or trail is snow packed. I’m so grateful to have easy access to wilderness, because if I didn’t I wouldn’t do it.

That’s what I mean if I don’t use it, I’ll lose it. Physically, it looks like strengthening my core (once again), doing the inside work to know myself better, flex the knowing muscles to develop newer ones and continue building on the foundation I worked so dang hard on for the last 15 years. Accepting that all of this work takes time and I am one hundred percent worth the investment. So how am I treating my mind, body and soul as it relates to being of service to my goals? Well, I have some pretty lofty goals on my horizon and am gradually working towards them. But I’m going to keep myself as the priority right alongside pursuing those goals so that I can show up as the best possible version of myself in my community and beyond.

Keep on climbing, can’t see the path now but more is always being revealed

BIG Caveat: I kept holding off on posting this after a week of several looks and edits. I tied it up with a bow at the end but things are messy and I’m I’m far from where I’d like to be. I went to the chiropractor last week and asked what is the emotional connection to this sciatic flare up. Because if our bodies really do keep the score, and when I’m not as connected to my feels, my physical body will start yelling to tell me that something or some things are not in alignment. The body/emotional connection that I’m experiencing has to do with not feeling supported. And it’s not an external support system that I am lacking, it’s my internal unhealed parts of me. Now that I have this awareness, I can actually move forward with gentle healing action. I liken it to the early days of my recovery work. I had to want to work through the pain instead of continuing down the path self destructive behavior that landed me a seat in those rooms. I had to stop blaming my upbringing or my past for my own actions as an adult woman. And I still have to do those things, but with a more inclusive stance recognizing that I abandoned some injured versions of myself along the way and now I’m looking back at them with deep compassion and empathy. I want their input, creativity, and skills to collaborate with the currently version of me as we do the things we dream of doing.

I realize this perhaps sounds absolutely ridiculous to some readers, and that is OK. It’s the best way I can make sense of my current state of being with the tools currently at my disposal. Nobody is going to do the work for me, I must show up for myself; past, present, and future versions. Maybe I’ll leave it at this. Whatever it is I am searching for at a deeper level (I as a collective we), let it begin with me. I (We) cannot pour from an empty cup. What will fill that cup will vary for all of us, but it must come from within. External forces can only suffice for a time and will not truly sustain.

Today is January 439

Maybe I’m being a bit dramatic, but this month is just forever long. It’s still dark and it’s still cold, ALL. THE. TIME.

And it’s doing its number on me.

I had a bit of a breakdown earlier in the week with tears and ugly crying as a result of a podcast (amongst other recent soul work), jotted some things down and called my sponsor. I feel a lot better today, less anxious and more grounded.

I had enough clarity after all of that to finish getting the business registration paperwork filed. I have articles of incorporation and an EIN and I feel like I just summited one of many mountains on this next business journey. There’s been part of my brain that couldn’t fathom doing this work until I knew my dad’s situation was a little more solid (I’m STILL waiting on Medicaid to kick in here, 4 months and 3 attempts at applying later), it’s no wonder I’m adverse to any government agency/process. It’s all just so many broken systems one after the other. Perhaps the focus on my own thing was just what has been needed to ease my anxiety about the other thing. Let’s hope that proves to be the case.

I thought I’d have more profound things to say, but as the hard week unfolded news-wise my thoughts diminished. I’m just so sad that we are so sick a country that we STILL glorify guns and police abuse of power over actual human lives.

I’m powerless over these systems that are working exactly how they were designed. The part I can do is offer comfort and support to those who are suffering. I can keep being a voice of reason and hope. I can look around my tiny community and see more in common rather than other. And with that, I heal and hopefully that healing feeds into those whose lives intersect with ours.

Sunsets after 5pm also give me hope

New Year… same me

Coming from deep inside winter hibernation mode.

I’m so encouraged seeing more and more posts and awareness online about how the start of the new year, January 1 is actually a terrible time to set resolutions and jump into new goals. It’s still the early days of winter, we are cold and hungry for carbs. I don’t need a new body or new, well, anything really.

Don’t get me wrong, I am all for setting intentions and making progress and self improvement. I started working with a coach a few months ago to help me focus on that and on myself since this whole caretaking journey has taken on a new dimension in this new state. So I’m not saying abandon ship with one’s goals. I AM saying January is maybe not the best time to wake up and start saying I’m going to crush it in a whole new way just because the calendar says that’s what I’m supposed to be doing. That’s just a set up for disaster, at least it is for me anyway.

Things that I am focusing on in this cold, dark time of the year are things I was mostly already doing as we went into the season. I’m not adding to the list, and there’s a freedom in that. I’m editing more, who I follow, what I consume online, curating if you will. If it isn’t serving me in a positive way, I let it go. I’m sleeping more, because my body craves it. I’m puttering around the house a lot in granny sweaters and slippers, baking sourdough – not because it’s trendy, but because it’s nourishing to my creative spirit and delicious to consume.

May this post be a reminder to just do you. Edit and curate. Save the goal crushing for warmer months and sunnier times. Eat something filling and warm, and nestle in for the winter, give yourself what you need in this season.